Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
