I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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