You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
