I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you made out with another girl for some wings
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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