There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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