Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
