We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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