True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
