Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I wear drunk well.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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