I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
