everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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