I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
