I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Can I color on your dick again?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize