woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
