I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Bring me that man meat
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
