So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
