Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
