yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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