He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
