this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
