Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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