i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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