I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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