Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
