Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
