I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize