I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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