There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
