I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
