god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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