Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
