i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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