Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.