Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy