I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
