I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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