saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
