You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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