Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
