toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
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