My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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