I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Damn victory sex feels great
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