i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
