im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
