On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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