Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We had to coat check the pizza.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
