In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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