Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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