FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
