he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
