Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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