his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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