Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
