I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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