listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
