I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
